Aye-aye-aye-aye I am Bertie the Bandit
My life of crime is not as I planned it
I have no gun so I use a peashooter
And I ride on a clapped-out motor scooter.
Now I’m a bandit and I’m after your money
But most things about me are funny
So if you meet me it won’t be distressful
Because my robberies are never successful.
With my peashooter I robbed a post office
But I only stole a little bag of toffees.
And even then I had to say “please”,
‘Cause my peashooter had run out of peas
One day a policeman he tried to arrest me
So I decided to shoot him with a pea
But I made his face go very slushy
Because the peas in my shooter were mushy
Now I always have thought it quite probable
That old ladies were easily robbable.
But when I met one and asked for her lolly
She damaged my head with her brolly
Words and music © Simon Mayor & Hilary James
Illustrations by Hilary James